Toddler's Reaccurring dream

Thoughts for today 3/19/2021

Just finished reading my third book in three weeks. All by Octavia Butler. This one was a collection of her short stories. Next up will be Infomocracy. Not one of Octavia’s books. I’m ready for it. 

I feel like I am allowing my brain to adapt, to learn, and to wander freely. It is a good feeling. I am reaching out and talking to a lot more people than before, with the intent to connect. 

Writing has become a joy too. I was stuck in advanced english classes when I was younger, because I was placed in all the other advanced subjects, and there wasn’t a normal english class for the period that I had open. Actually, 6th grade, I went from being in LD (Learning Disabilities) classes to normal classes, then placed in advanced classes all within a single semester. It was a roller coaster. 

Anyways, I stayed in advanced english classes for the rest of my secondary education. Which meant that I had to write. What made it worse was that my friends wrote better than me. In 8th grade, our teacher just had us write for short story competitions. Not really sure on why. But it felt like everyone won one, except for me. This really discouraged me. Which reflected in my work when I went to college. I also had an issue with spelling, and grammar. I was a mess. 

The dominos that have fallen to get me to the spot of finding joy in writing: having vivid dreams since I was a toddler; living with with grandpa, because he wrote and told his stories all the time to me; then me telling my stories of my crazy adventures and dreams; allowing myself to enjoy learning new things, and making myself always wanting to learn - this helped with vocab actually; my friend Mike, he is the king of correction. When it comes to grammar, word structure, spelling, etc, he was there to correct; me leaving my job; and my current set up. I write my stories on my cell phone while using a bluetooth full keyboard with a 10 key on it. This has made it so much easier than a laptop. I always need my phone, and I pack my keyboard with me. And it was way cheaper than buying a laptop. 

Than learning another language. I don’t know where it will take me. But I am engaging others so help me learn french. I always wanted to speak another language. I feel like I am ready now. I feel like it can widen my worldview, and take me places I couldn’t reach before. That is my drive in it. 

Finally, I am scared. Freighted. One thing I have come to know is you can see your future, and that is really scary. You can see the different paths, and it feels so damn easy to take the easiest path, then in hindsight, criticize myself for not doing the other paths; not speaking up; just not…. That is easy. Doubt is easy. It is also the most dull pain too. The one that makes you content, makes you look for easy pleasures. Making you become accepting of what happens to you, and to others around you. Dull pain takes away your power to raise and to take control. 

I don’t know what will help me break the habit of doubt. Anti-depressant medicine sure helps though haha. Trying to engage and to connect really helps too. Not doom scrolling is a big help too. Setting tasks in a task tracker, and feeling proud of myself when I accomplish a task, rather feeling disappointed when I don’t get to a task, or put off a task. I know I am human. I know I will have my faults, but I am human, and I have a world of feeling rather than just doubt. I forgive myself and ask, is that task I missed important. Yes, then do it then, and get the feeling of being proud of yourself. All these things have been helping out a lot. Looking to see when my environment changes, will it take some of these things away? I feel like I need to find what has been working, and make sure to create and choose my environment that will help foster these things that help. 

I know this is a ramble, but it felt good to ramble and put my thoughts down. Now I am hungry and want to explore the city I am in. 

Thank you all. You may just read my writings, you may reach out, you may just do tiny things. I recognize that, and I appreciate... you.