Sobriety Test

“This Burger King is taking forever… It is only me and the car in front of me. WHAT THE FUCK!!” I’m a bit tipsy, super hungry, and decided to skip a place called California Burgers, because it had like 20 cars in line, and went to BK. When I pulled up, there was just one vehicle.

I went to a brewery on Main Street in a suburb of Indianapolis. I was pretty lazy all day, and just watched Netflix in French, and practiced Francais on Duolingo. I ate a couple bags of chips that the airbnb host had in the room for guests. Really sweet of her actually.  

Anyways, I went to the brewery late, their kitchen was closed when I got there. Got a couple of beers, and ate a small piece of special cookie that I was given in Michigan. I discovered that Xbox released a new feature that allowed you to play your console on your cell phone. I played that until they closed. Left to go get food and ended up in the drive thru of BK. 

After like 15 minutes being in the drive thru, I got my double Whopper with cheese, and tried to go back to my airbnb. The turn onto the main street was super damn awkward. Like you pulled around and the main street was parallel to you like only four feet away. There was a center median, which prevented me turning left. Because of this damn design, I had to do almost a 180 degree turn to get into the right turn lane so I could find a drive to turn around. 

I began my turn, and this car that was in the far lane decided at the last minute to get into the lane i was trying to pull into. I had to hit my damn breaks, cuse like a motherfucker, go into reverse, then finish my turn. Unbenounced to me, a cop was nearby. When I turned on to the street to find a place to turn around, the cop got right behind me. I was like, eh I haven’t done anything, buuuut, I should probably turn into a neighborhood to turn around instead of a U-turn. I turned and the cop followed, and then “Whop Whop” and lights began flashing. 

“FUCK!”

Got my stuff ready for the cop. Handed him my licence and he ask for my registration. Because my car is registered in TX, the registration is the sticker on my windshield. 

“Oh ya, forgot Texas is weird about that.” The officer said as he leaned over to see the sticker. “Well give me a second, I’m going to check your ID.”

“OK officer!”

“Fuck… The cookie is setting in.”  This thought popped into my head, because I felt the pull of my mental soul going down. “Well, I guess I can start eating this burger though.” Again I was super hungry and. the munchies were kicking in. 

Ate half the burger, then I saw the cop walking back up. I set my burger down on my bag in the passenger seat, and looked over to the cop.

He handed me my license and said, “Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Yes sir, two beers from the brewery off Main Street.”

“You know the percentage of those beers.”

“Umm, I believe like six percent… actually I bought a pack of the cider, it is sitting right here if you would like me to look?”

“Nope, that is ok. The reason I pulled you over, it looked like you about hit a car when you pulled out of the Burger King parking lot.”

“Damn parking lot” I thought to myself. “Ya, the car was in the far lane and then pulled into my lane as I pulled out. That drive thru to the roadway is super awkward.”

“Ya, I didn’t see that happen. Would you mind doing a sobriety test. Just for me to make sure you are safe to drive.”

“Yes, of course.”

“FUCK… I don’t know what to do if I get a damn DUI in another fucking state where I know no one! FUUUUUUUUUUCK”

I get out of the car. We do the whole routine with the pen, walking the line, holding up a leg, and then he asked, “Would you mind in doing a breathalyzer. It isn’t admissible in court.”

“Sure.”

“Ok, just to let you know, I do not tell people their percentage.”

I then took the breathalyzer and blew into it, and looked at the officer. His eyes grew in shock.

“Well, you are REALLY sober.”

“Yup.”

Then he let me go. I got into my car and started to head back to my airbnb. I took a turn, and in the corner of my eye I just saw my half eaten burger roll off and on to the floor. This depressed me to no end, but then I thought, “Hey, this is probably more healthy for me to only eat half the burger.”

And that was my night!